Last night I plucked up all my courage and strength and I watched To The bone. (The new Netflix movie that has caused so much controversy!) I didn’t really know what to expect and was very nervous after all the reviews.
For me it was one of the hardest movies I have ever watched and as I sat their on my sofa, tears streamed down my face. All my emotions flowed through me. It brought back all these memories and as I watched it I saw images of myself all those years ago. I remembered the nights of arguments with my family about food as I stared blankly at them whilst they watch me disappear. I thought back to the cycle I had been trapped in where I began to lose all control. For so long I had felt in control of my anorexia as she befriended me. She had been my best friend. Given me value and made me complete. But over the years, and in the months leading up to my hospital admission that control was well and truly gone. My anorexia turned me in to a horrible person. Someone who felt nothing. If I was made to eat I would cause a scene. One evening I remember my Dad wanted me to eat some dinner and I couldn’t face the fight so I ate to make him happy. Ate in a mocking way and then headed up to work out for hours in my room. His eyes were filled with tears as I left the kitchen after flinging some bread across the floor. We both knew what I was about to do but I didn’t care at that point the pain it had caused. Those long evenings of being made to eat followed by hours in the shower crouched over the toilet, shower and radio on as I made myself sick followed by hours of working out in my room. The time when Samuel was asked to make sure I ate breakfast and I hid it from him half in my pocket as half out the window. I hurt so many people round me as I lost control. Each night I would crawl in to bed in the early hours of the morning smelling of stale sweat and vomit wishing I would not wake up the next day.
Anorexia nearly killed me. I never believed it when they said she would. After watching To The Bone it made me think how hard this had been on my family all those years ago. They watched my killing myself and I wouldn’t let anyone in to help.
In November 2007 I was admitted to live in a mental health hospital where I fought the hardest battle of my life to beat her. It was not fun and it was not easy. When I was stuck, trapped by her all I wanted was to be well and for her to stop talking to me.
This movie reminded me what a manipulative bitch she is. Ellen, the girl in the movie doesn’t do justice to how horrible anorexia is but it does show you how controlling anorexia is. Over the last few weeks pro ana websites have highlighted Ellen as a thinspiration. Seeing these posts has been hard and upsetting. Anorexia controlling you is not a thinspirstion – she is lying to you and you must try and know this!
And yes she will strike back and yes at times it is so hard but she isn’t worth knowing. She doesn’t care about you. And one day she will kill you! I know you won’t believe me but I want to warn you before it is too late. One of the girls I was with in hospital died from her anorexia. We cannot let anorexia take the lives of anyone else and we must all stand strong. Keep talking. And keep fighting. I know how hard this is. There are a days in the past when I wanted to give up, days when it took all my strength to eat anything but I guarantee life is so much better when anorexia is not controlling you!